memoirs of Malaysia

I miss walking in some Jalans in Malaysia and the smell of its native coffee.

i wish january is over

I realized that being alone is not a total solitude that I used to believe, it makes it even more tough. I'm a bit preoccupied of not so sensible things lately because that will allow me to divert the painful ones. It helped. But at the end of the day, at a certain moment, it gives you a sudden stab.

I wanna wake up tomorrow thinking January has skipped me.

It's seems so hard to pretend that you are indeed happy.

can we meet halfway?

Do not be afraid. It is still I, the one who taught you the magic of finding Polaris using the Big Dipper, the one who showed you the sanctuary of hop juice ardor, the one who told you to smile even your nose is bleeding, the one with whom you transformed the unrelenting rain into a shower.

Pain confronts us with the realities that happiness can hide. And that, I would rather think that happiness is only seasonal.

Yet, I will wait for you until the next season comes.

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter - Official Video

I've been listening to this song for how many hours now.

my distant longing

It's not necessary to hurt other people when I just wanted to say is to spare me. What we know about relationship is quite too far with the emotions we have to give, so as we have to offer in the real sense. It's between that distance that we may, perhaps, understand. 

I may be the indifferent that you always thought. The one strange thing you have mistakenly met. So, I would rather keep distant. Being away, at times,  is a consolation. 

I never wanted to hurt other people. Spare yourself, too.

you still owe me, life

Things are quite unexpected lately. Someone offered me a job and declining would be the most stupid thing and I did. I was supposed to visit my friends in Iloilo and then again, I paid for rebooking fee. I bought a 2011 planner but it's still clean, ink-free. Now, I'm asking myself.

Last year was a great year. I traveled Asia for four times in a row, I traveled almost 26 times going back and forth in some cities in the country. I was able to wake up in Hongkong just to receive birthday greetings in Facebook. Thanks Cebu Pacific to a lot of hard work, though. Needless to say, I splurged a countless dinners and weekend drinking sprees with friends. I lived in a hotel when I need to be peacefully admitted. I paid for massages just to feel good. I woke up before the midnight of 24th just to kiss my parents and utter Christmas greetings. That was a good life, after all.

Now, how will I start the year? Do I have to plan? Do I need to chase December so I can brag say to other people "hey, my life is great this year".


Today, I didn't plan my life. I didn't write in my planner. I didn't splurge. I just took photos to remind me that today is a special day that I have to live, even it owes me a lot of answers. This photo is one of those I took. Not so great but pretty much a good reminder.

the past is sometimes sweeter in the present

Today, I went out with an old friend. We ate together. Share some stories which for a year we haven't hashed over. I think I missed her. I think I did. I'm breaking it slowly to myself now... Ire, you will also be missed. 

i miss chasing sunsets

I didn't go out today because there is really nothing outside to look forward to.  Besides, Lola came to visit her grand daughter who has been out of sight for 8 long years, at least for her.  We celebrated breakfast together just like when I was still young. Lola cannot recognize faces anymore but I did pretend that she recognized me. She even uttered that I have grew taller than the last time she saw me. I think that was the best part of our conversation and was a confirmation that she can still retrieve some parts of her memory-not sure. 

She left before lunch and I was alone, then. Monday is always boring, perhaps here in my place where rush hour doesn't ring a bell. Even to buy cigarettes was a hardest thing. Facebook has become so boooring. I can't go back to sleep. Plus the sluggish time. I wished that Lola should have stayed longer even if we'll not talk that much. 

I sat for a while. Smoked a bit and it felt so much like I'm waiting for the sunset, almost dreaming of Panglao Island, where I took this photo... where I can forgive red skies for ending my day. 

in mere seclusion

 Today, I went to a nearby town with friends but I need to travel alone this month. The travel that is not so extravagant but I need to get on a plane. I want more solitude just like this tree in the photo. I took this out of boredom. So, I really need some pepper and garlic in my life right now. 

past horrors

This photo was taken in Tagaytay for a December respite :)

Recently, I have this urge to visit Macgregor to be alone, to create one solitary pursuit I could offer to myself.  But the truth is, I must ascertain things to just slip away from guilt. I don't need  silent dwellings on the hopes of justifying mistakes. I'm not blaming myself, I actually just wanna think that it was my fault. And I can't get over it. 

 I sometimes feel that I have to neglect the echoes resounding in my ears. I need to think. I need to escape. I need to feel better. 

My past is always haunting me. Just like this photo, it could be so beautiful but when you try to look back, it only creates fear. 

By the way, I paid another expensive coffee here in Macgregor. 

a taste of history

My favorite country so far, Thailand. We went to the oldest city Ayutthaya and it was like a new world. This temple is called Wat Phra Sri San Phet and was built in the reign of King Boromtrilokanath. Among 400 temples in Ayutthaya we reached one and it is the biggest temple in the area at its peak. It is historically very significant and it is also known as the "Ancient Palace." 

I always love history but not so much with the details. Then again, I hope to see you this year Thailand.

a strange and beautifully distant

I remember how I grew up since the last eight years. I was always surrounded by blithe souls and everything seems to be so good. I never regret how I am right now because of them. I embraced it as a part of  facing my "everydays", to grow not for other people but because it was a choice I made for myself. Now, the little inland I once knew for 17 years is like a strange place but beautifully distant, I can say. 


The photo was taken after a long trek up in Agony hill. It has become an annual sacrifice during the holy week. Likewise, it had become part of my eight years. 

hi-end relationship

How do we always bring a good sense of relationship? Does it always starts with a "good morning" SMS? Is it in the form of constant comments we drop in the not-so sensible statuses in Facebook?

Talking about human relationship these days. When I meet people nowadays, it's never the usual hope-I-will-see-yoou-again  or let's-drink-some-other-time remarks. More often than not, you get nothing. It's more of someone-sent-you-a-friend-request thing. Is this really how technology changed the world?

Well, anyone would agree that it could be much easier but what bothers me is the premises of sincerity. How do we know? Does it really important to just for a single moment we can figure out?
I tend to think that nodding is more genuine.

By the way, this photo was taken at Iloilo Airport while I was waiting for the boarding call, after I smoked. It was when I need human interaction and the seats were empty.

"should have beens" and "could have beens"

I should have warned you of my flaws and intricateness. Perhaps, you could have spared yourself. It's too late now. 


This photo is so significant, just like you... as part of my past, but not in my life anymore.

a photo and its story

This photo was taken in Tagaytay, at People's Park I think. I used my holga 135 BC for a weekend getaway with Melvin and Sheila. In the roll, I think this was the best photo I've ever captured. If it's not the best, then I think this was the decent one. 


I remember how we used to see each other before, but in a one mistake everything has changed. That's why, I would rather be with my friends and family, they could understand well than others. But then again, I love this photo, not the memory of it even if it entails a lot of story. 

not so figurative

Fulfillment and joy, they are things, yet intangible, yet of one's different perspective.

For some, it could be a morning coffee, a drive-thru for fries, a plain "goodnight" sms, new pink pillow case, a borrowed book over a lazy Sunday, and even the drunkard crazy weekends. 

It is always the simple things that change our lives, that can make it more worth living. How about you? What makes you happy?

I was in Langford when I took this photo and  there was at least one stranger that benefited from my thoughts. My search for connection beckoned someone else to smile as well and that, I leapt a stranger's  heart when I smiled back at her. My simple joy. :)

wants and more wants

               I want to be a writer but I don't want to write...I may know some words but it's the thoughts that needs to be written and just like now, I'm running out of it. Photoblog will do, for now. I want a better camera, too. So much for this, this photo was taken last December 31st during my solitary confinement.

almost blank face, in repose

I'm going through a lot of photos I took last week when we were in Lake Sebu. That was my year-starter trip and "sort of" reunion with the old faces in high school. I took this photo while we were waiting for the boat to come. That was about 20-minute boat ride in the placid lake, a 20-minute repose. 

time and distance are synonymous

My first ever toy camera, holga. That was the August-birthday-party-went-horrible when I received the package. It wasn't an ordinary joy for me, there was a kind of leap... plus I was little too drunk. 

I realized one thing that night after some temper tantrums gone too far off the normal. 
She thought we betrayed her. She thought that's how a simple anguish can wash the friendship away. She thought that's how shallow she can dig us. She thought, nonetheless. 
Well, the friendship was fixed after 2 years. But are there really some fixings? or it was just the time?

The gap overhauled the differences, it made us feel numb for a while but things will just find its way to be healed.
Now, my lomo camera collection is going bigger. I already have eight, yet, I left all of them in the box not because I'm not using them anymore, it's because I  wanna keep them safe--since, I'm in a distant.
For time and distance are capable of measuring human connection, thus, they are synonymous.

wishes do come true

 The sight of horizon and the pristine waters can ease me. I wanna spend the entire day keeping my eye on the small raging waves slowly devouring the achromatic-colored sands.. to be soothed, to be healed. I wish that sunset will be as green as this, just for a day. 

tattoo

           The second tibetan script stained my skin.

LIFE.LOVE.GOD.

my last cappuccino

I decided to take a jaunt down General Santos City to satisfy the craving- to have a cup of coffee. It was like a one-stale-hour ride from Koronadal. Oh well, it is not crazy, because I know one American lad who traveled his entire day to  be in Bangkok for golf. For golf and for coffee, there's no difference at all. It is just like feeling a bit of satisfaction to be in a place, a strange place, yet, it is where you want to be for a moment.

By the way, that was the last hot beer I imbibed before the midnight of 31st.

my comfort

It's the Toms shoes I bought out of my sister's backpay. I sacrificed waited for her backpay almost a month in Manila. I wasn't able to work. I was, for a month, with friends. One hell of expensive dining out, D bar sessions, vampire diaries marathon, facebooking the entire day, etc..  Of course, she have to reward me with this red pair! haha! My first pair. I can fathom now that whatever expensive makes us really feel comfortable, just like an expensive accommodation. I wanna collect more pairs, the white and printed ones. When will be the next backpay? 

lucky 7

Seven wonders of the ancient world.

Seven continents in the world.

Seven colors of the rainbow.

Seven days in a week.

My name is IRIS MAE

Seven letters. Am I the Goddess?

Poker Day

I played poker with some of my high school classmates today and I learned that when you get used to some things, you never get excited anymore... it's really different when it's the first time. Poker has become a skip of a heartbeat.